Review is in: Lights are flashing, but there's no train in sight

I just got a copy of my annual review and boy am I excited. I never knew my superiors had such a sense of humor and can only assume that they've been reading some of my more whimsical observations and have adopted a similar philosophy. I expect a huge check to be forthcoming.

These guys crack me up. For instance, one jotted down the following:

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”

That's hilarious. I certainly am glad I have a good relationship with my bosses. Otherwise I might think this stuff was serious. They have not, in the past, demonstrated much in the line of whimsy and I am just thrilled to see them coming around. Life, after all, is too short for anyone to be as uptight as they used to be. It warms my heart to see them loosening up a bit.

One noted that I “work well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap,” and may “have delusions of adequacy.”

I take exception to that. I've had lots of delusions in my career but adequacy was never one of them.

And I bet they thought for hours to come up with this one: “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” Personally, I don't recall setting any standards at all, but I will not quibble.

And I thought this one was particularly meaningful, considering the agrarian nature of my work: “If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.” That's pretty funny, I have to admit. But someone jotted down that I'm depriving some village of an idiot. That's old; surely they can be more creative than that.

This one is better: “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.” That's pretty good for a bunch of bean counters. (I can give as good as I take.)

And whoever wrote, “got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together,” must have some insight into the lack of organization on my desk. Either that or he drinks a lot of beer.

The following were pretty good, too and probably put these management-type folks through several hours of intense thought.

  • “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

  • “He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.”

  • “He's been working with glue too much.”

  • “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.”

I told you, these guys have developed a sense of humor. Or maybe they hired a specialist to develop funny little one-liners they knew would amuse me. There are other good ones such as:

“He would argue with a signpost.” That's not true. I would not. No way. I never argue.Or how about: “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.” Now that's just mean. I would have my feeling hurt if I didn't know this stuff is just a joke. And this one had to come out of accounting: “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

And human relations probably gets credit for: “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.”

As I said, I am thrilled to know that I work with people who share my sense of humor. I can hardly wait until the next company-wide conference so I can thank these guys personally.

Meanwhile, I'll be watching the mailbox with increased interest anticipating a huge raise. It seems obvious to me that if folks are this eager to make me laugh they want me to be happy.

After all, how serious can someone be who writes on an evaluation form: “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.”

These guys crack me up.

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